Everyone Needs A Laugh!
Got one you want to share just email it in
Muldoon and his dog.
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a
pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to
the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya'
be saying'a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe
they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Words Of Wisdom
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like. Night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
21 What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Plan B
"When I was a kid I used to pray for a bike. Then I realised God doesn't work like that. So I stole a bike, and prayed for forgiveness."
Updated Knowledge...
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
Not to be outdone, several weeks later, American scientists dug 200 meters
and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of
2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors
already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than
the Russians."
One week later, the Newfoundland newspapers reported the following: "After
digging as deep as 500 meters, Newfie scientists have found absolutely
nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were
already using wireless technology."
No Health Insurance?
A man suffered a serious heart attack and **had an open-heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions
regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said,
"I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!!
Nuns are married to God."
> The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law"
Need a Parking Space?
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
I shot Them all
A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed. She could see the light was on from the bedroom window. As the man looked for himself he saw that there were people in the shed taking things. The man phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in the area to help him at that time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available. He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back. "Hello" he said, "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them all." Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you shot them!" The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Bono In Concert
Bono is at a U2 concert in Halifax, Nova Scotia,
when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice...
"Just for a moment, think outside yourself...
Outside this arena. Every time I clap my hands,
a child in Africa dies."
A loud Newfie voice from near the front pierces the moment...
"Well, lard tunderin Jasus, ya stupid arse, stop yer
fockin clappin', den!"
Jesus works the Pearly Gates
St. Peter has to run an errand. He has been standing guard at the Pearly Gates for 500 years and he really has to go. He asks Jesus, "Hey, look, can you do me a favor? Take over here for a few minutes while I run a quick errand." Jesus says, "But I've never done this before." "It's nothing," says St. Peter. "Here’s a pad and a pencil. When people come up, you ask them their name, where they lived, get their occupation and ask them any pertinent questions. If they sound cool, let them in. That's all there is to it. I've gotta go." And he runs off. A few minutes later an old man comes up and Jesus asks him, "What's your name?" The little old man says, "In English I think you would say my name is Joseph." "And what," says Jesus, "was your occupation?" "I was a carpenter," says Joseph. "Okay," says Jesus, writing all this down. He looks carefully at the man, then asks, "Did you have any children?" "Yes," says the man. "I had a son." Jesus looks at these three answers. Then looks back at the man. He then asks, "Was there anything unusual about your son?" "Yes," says the old man. "My son did not come into this world in the usual way. He also had nail holes in his hands and his feet ... "At which point Jesus throws open his arms and says, "Dad!" The old man looks up at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"
|
